I WOULD RATHER BE HATED FOR WHAT I AM THAN TO BE LOVED FOR WHAT I AM NOT ( KURT COBAIN)

Love is not automatic. It takes conscious practice and awareness, just like playing the piano or golf. However, you have ample opportunities to practice. Everyone you meet can be your practice session.(Hari)

Is it so?:) (me)

so challenging a job!

I had a very interesting talk with my mate last days..about having kids, breeding them to maturity and letting them go after their own dreams..(and returning to my previous post's theme) not being instinctively selfish to expect them to be by your side after their retirement or when starting to feel alone..
I see it a lot around me.. parents who emotionally blackmail their children to do what make the parents feel good..leading the kind of life these parents would have wished to live themselves and shifting their unfulfilled dreams to their children.. and that way putting a lot of stress on these kids..who are good kids by vast majority..and don't want to disappoint their parents..but in the same time these children are not happy, which is also the ultimate goal of the parents for them ..Paradoxically!
And it became clear to me..even if I have no idea of how it is to be a parent.. that this "job" is actually a very very difficult one..If not the most difficult..
You can not quit either..Life time engagement sounds pretty scary to me!

For women (most of them) the desire of giving birth is more an instinct than a cold blood made decision..As there are so many hard parts of being a parent..in the way I started to look at the matter..So, let me outline some thoughts:

You (either parent) decide to put a break to your activity, spend all your (free) time and money to raise him and put him no 1 on your to-do list..of course in this time you could have spent that time and money for yourself.but you had to acomplish this..for your instinct, social pressure, or any other reason..so you kind of sacrifice yourself for the wellness of your kids..even if that doesn't seem like a burden..
Meantime,you expect something in return..you expect that they would pay back the affection and 'investment' you made for them..
If this happens, you consider yourself a lucky parent..But there are not so many cases in which what you as a parent see as good for the child, he/she would feel the same..If it's not, than your kid could become somewhat frustrated..Not necessary developing a serious problem out of this but anyway..
If the child is more 'rebel' and choose to live his own way, you consider it lack of gratitude...As you want him beside you when you're old, or you want him to get married to 'that' girl not the other, you want him to have a bigger house or a better payed job. And it could be a problem if those are not the things which makes him happy..You may start to argue, to try to convince him your way of looking at life is better..
It follows that you expect the child you raised to follow your path.. quite selfish of you, isn't it?
Of course I don't agree he should take drugs as it's his only way of being happy.
I talk about those 'normal' cases we all see around us.

So, coming back..I find it so hard to make sacrifices without expecting anything in return..not even from your own child..Being a good parent might imply being able to breed your child without expecting him to do anything else than finding his own way of being happy....and meanwhile, finding other reasons to live for and making yourself useful to the society who might need you more than your child..
As you have taught him to fly away, he wants to explore the world by his own..That's not a disaster actually..You can say it as it sounds reasonable but it's hard not to feel a pain deep inside..
Life doesn't end when the child goes away..That should really not be the reason for someone to have kids.. I have a feeling it's much more difficult to put that in practice :)

I have to confess..after that talk, I questioned almost involuntarily
"So, why should I go through all that nuisance if in the end I am still alone? What if I make all those sacrifices for them and they turn out to be the opposite of what I wished ? and I would suffer for their misfortune or feel worried about their future? I would of course be happy for assisting their first steps, first words or when clapping my hands in the first row at their PhD investment, let's give an example.. But that's not inclining the balance in favor of having kids".

I found no other answer on the spot beside...." I could not fight the instinct".
Beside that, suffering is everywhere in nature..
Maybe what would make a difference would be to learn how to approach it.

tribute to people who can love

I added one more movie with Kate Winslet to my favorite list..this last one is "the life of David Gale"..it happened like in the others I saw recently.."the reader" and " revolutionary road" .. Could not keep back my tears falling down..
How could some people simply sacrifice themselves for their belief about changing the world for a better place..
what amazes me is not that fact actually..but the thought that they are aware that would not really change the world..
it simply takes more than an individual sacrifice to that..but they can go for it..knowing they are only a tiny fraction of a multitude of facts that can indeed make a difference.. and still willing to give up what they could live for, in favor of the reason they readily die for..
It's getting harder in these moments to use the word 'selfish' without feeling like a criminal.. I'm sure it would pass away till tomorrow, it's just human nature..and human memory.
But still ... to die for the idea " to let the world a better place than you have found it" takes a lot of courage..taken out of love..love for people, I think.

I just felt now like rendering tribute for those people out there who can feel like that.. not necessary die in the end, though.
Ps. I did not expect him to die till the last second, really..

meaning of life

So much truth in that.. I hope to remember that when I have to give a general definition or rule, it's much better to put no limitations to it. Letting thinks be wider can bring an unexpected completion of whatever there is to define.

goals

well, traveling is not that bad..on the 10th.. although it s more appealing the tattoo :)

why travel and not stick to books..

I have had the chance lately to meet some people who made of traveling a style of live..seen and lived so many things apart from what was their ordinary life..

And I also have met quite often some friends who spent most of their life reading..and of course have gathered a lot of knowledge.

Both parties argued that the way they get to know the world is the best.. I have only one comment to make.. What stroke me..was the difference in the way they saw and acted towards life and people..Especially towards unknown people.. It's obvious that what define us as persons is the way we deal with unexpected situations, not that when we just apply the routine scheme we have learned.

The first group is of course more easy going and open, that' s just natural..But they really succeed applying the motto 'keep it simple'. They see the 'good point' in everything what happens to them much more easily, are more helpful to the others without expecting much in return.. Actually most of this category can do very well on the idea "don't expect anything, just be glad of all the nice things around you".

Those so very fond of reading are more prone to dissect things around them.. to judge and expect more of themselves and the others. Even not noticing they do it. The more they read, the more open minded they think they are.

What I realized -only recently -is that when you re reading ( no matter how bright the author is or how smart the book)..the world opens to you..but it's not the world everybody lives in. It's YOUR world.. you have no limits, the limit is only your imagination..you can create as much as you wish..No factors of control beyond your reason.
But YOU are always subjective..

That's why I think we need the others to define ourselves and our concept of the way we wanna live.

The fact that we go to a totally new place, meet new ways of behaving and thinking has a huge impact also on the way the mind is functioning.

I mean 'travel' as a way of interacting with people and situations, learning and helping those you happen to meet. Not 'travel' like going to a 5* hotel for a week and only speaking with waiters in restaurants ordering fancy meals.

Actually I read about a person - quite rich banker in Northen Europe- who gave up his job and his posh way of life to experiment what he called 'real life' and wished even to meet homeless people and live like them on the streets for a while. That seem somehow far fetched to me, but it's his option..And I m sure that after that, he will be wiser and more content of what he's owing back home..It's impressive how often we forget to cherish things we have and get used to them. Not bad to remember it from time to time..

So, returning to my initial idea..It seems like the 'traveler' type can reach or get closer to the state of 'happy life' we all dream of..because it's again..not about how much you can gather, but how much you can give up to in order to be happy..It's neither about the 'lazy thinker' type of persons...who can readily live with pizza, beer and TV all day, nothing else needed for them to be happy.. But you already know it's not that kind of people I refer to.

My favorite professor from University used to say : "To make a man rich, don't give him fortune, but take away from his wishes" ( it' not his invention, but I associate this phrase with him because of his way of telling us that..In the middle of a 'serious' lecture about nasty germs and lethal infections :))

Traveling can help us not only realize how true this is, but also put us on the right track to reach the final destination. Of the happy end stories.

the new era..barbarians to the bottom?

I just finished a book about the new civilisation.. called ' The barbarians'
( Al.Baricco)
The Google & Mc Donalds' fellows...'the surfers'.
It made me think once again about this new type of looking at life..more at the surface than in depth..more willing to speed up than to dig inside.. more keen to experiment all sorts of sensations than to concentrate on a single side..
I used to consider it, as most of people would say at least at first, that is a worse type than what we( part of us at least) still worship..that is the 'true deep sense of life, years of effort to self assesment and concern towards the others'. All that old fashioned stuff in the eyes of the 'barbarians'..

But ..is it better or worse? A question most of you would probably still answer for the latter.

I appreciate the autor's judgement..it's neither one of those.. it's only different.. life is evolving..or at least getting different..nothing would stop that.

People just enjoy more the sheer plesure of senses, and why should this be blameworthy?

Still..

I look back at the time I wasn't asking myself any kind of questions..just living day by day..as simple as that..I could say I was more content..but questions started to make room little by little in my life..I became more fearful towards my own reactions.. passed through surprise, terror, worry, cowardice..
slowly I am drawing nearer the light at the end of the road..
for now only a glimpse of my nature..but accompaning that,here come more acceptance, more understanding, and I would dare say..more wisdom. ( it's just getting older, you can say. I totally agree. Still I 'm not sure everyone has the same way of looking at life as they get older).
I have a strange feeling for a time..I sometimes look at children in the eyes..in parks or in the bus or wherever and feel..that if I was in a likewise circumstance, I could teach them something..it s not a well defined 'something'...
I also got a different understanding of the meaning of being rich in this life..
Because at the end, all that you own is just what you gave or shared with the others.
It's no paradox. It's about being HUMAN.

apel pentru o campanie ..individuala!

Acest post nu pot sa l scriu decat in romana..veti intelege imediat de ce..

Am trecut azi pe langa o echipa de muncitori. nimic deosebit pana aici..doar sunt o groaza peste tot.. doar ca azi nu m a surprins ca nu lucrau, ca doar nu era nimic special in asta.. dar unul striga in gura mare " Ba Gicule, nu fii prost ma, du-te ca ti am facut rost de o spaga ..sa ma pomenesti .. tare de tot..spaga buna, nu asa.."
Nu stiu de ce azi, dar parca mi a picat chiar greu cuvantul asta la care dezvolt o alergie din ce in ce mai inversunata..din ce in ce mai greu imi vine sa l accept.
Mi a staruit in minte in urmatoarele 10 min de la conversatie.. si pe parcursul zilei..infiltrat intre cuvintele pe care le schimbau alti cetateni.. chiar daca nu l auzeam..parca l citeam pe buze, ascuns intre alte idei, oglindit in atitudine..
Oare exista ceva ce nu poti obtine cu spaga de rigoare?
nu ma mai gandesc la acele 'bunuri' absolute.. dreptate, libertate, adevar etc.. doar ar fi SF sa cred asta ,in toata naivitatea si idealismul feroce de care viata nu a reusit sa ma dezbare inca..
Dar poate se gaseste cineva sa mi dea exemple de lucruri pentru care nu poti da spaga ca sa le capeti.. intr o actiune umanitara.." Salvati idealismul" sa zicem..

Fixations

Do u ever get fixed on a song or an artist and keep it playing over and over again for hours or days?
It's like u get stuck in a certain mood and that song fits it so good... that you don't feel the need to change it anymore.... it becomes like a short-term obsession..
very painful for the flatmates or neighbors...

 I had quite some of these short-term obsessions in my life... For example, now I can feel now how I will be stuck for days on Laleh.(I have just discovered her from post of a friend on Facebook). I find it very light, like a summer wind ..the inflections of her voice are a delight to my ears...
and it fits my happy, light-hearted mood ( it may sound different to you, I've been told I tend to listen to depressive music). I just came home from my last trip for this summer.... and my heart is glowing filled with happiness...

But I have receipts for other states too: for sad, rainy autumn days, I recommend Nicu Alifantis (Emotii de toamna) and his other hits....for broken hearts Leonard Cohen (dance me to the end of love, I'm your man and others).... In my peak of depression I listened to Anthony and the Johnsons...(not anymore...they are too much)

For hot, lazy summer days -- Kings of Convenience and Cesaria Evora.

When I have too much energy I like the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack... ah... and my favorite red-wine companion is latin piano-jazz... I know this is very much a cliche.... nevertheless....I never said I dont have standard tastes.

If I get enough of her music in the next days, I will mix it with Matt Costa and Jason Mraz.

What about your fixations? Or do you have any suggestions to diversify mine?

Light-heartedness or better head-in-the clouds state of mind leads, as you can read above, to non-coherence.... I promise I'll get the coherence back..

Everyone passing through my door brings me happiness.. Some when they enter, others when they leave..

thought of the day

Bad experience is more often better than no experience.

CHARACTER CAN’T BE DEVELOPED IN EASE AND QUIET. ONLY THROUGH EXPERIENCE OF TRIAL AND SUFFERING CAN THE SOUL BE STRENGTHENED, VISION CLEARED, AMBITION INSPIRED AND SUCCESS ACHIEVED. ( HELEN KELLER)

discover or invent?

Today was just another ordinary day.. full of routine, of things I have to do, of promises to myself..nothing new of them, neither.. just the usual "from tomorrow I should go to bed earlier", " I ll start a diet to lose those extra kilos I long to get rid of", " I ll eat healthier ", " I ll spend less time in front of my PC" etc.. Sounds familiar? I think it 's more than hundreds of times I say that to myself..
Sometimes I keep to them for a couple of days if I m lucky.. But most of the times I forget about them as soon as the need comes again to my senses.. And I can't help thinking.. how much of me am I able to modify? and under what circumstances?
I remember my teacher of psychology in high school told us that humans can only modify their personality under major changes.. like a great misfortune, catastrophe, death of somebody dear..and the same opinion I read in one of my favorite books " The egyptian" by Mika Waltari. He stated that men have some typical features that are common to all and can't really change..Even if an awful thing happen and they say " now I see how miserable I can be, if ever I should recover from this trouble, I ll change my life completely!".. and when they do..they just start over again with the same old shit.. There are exceptions, of course..But unfortunately I am not one of them.
So, should I just accept that there are things which I don't like about myself and learn how to live with them ? and even start to see the good point in them ( supposing that they are )?.. A granted advantage of this would be the time I could use to enjoy the present moment and not live to wait for the next good things I would do.. But the reverse..not making any effort to improve, to defeat the weaknesses?
I remember of a quote I saw in the Stanford library.. " life is not about discovering yourself, but about inventing yourself". So, they also think we are able to do (almost) everything we long for? Are there limits in this process of invention?
Maybe the 'success' type people think like this..maybe when you don't feel there are barriers in your way, you have no limits in getting better?

sentimental story

Poveste sentimentală

Pe urmă ne vedeam din ce în ce mai des.
Eu stăteam la o margine-a orei,
tu - la cealaltă,
ca două toarte de amforă.
Numai cuvintele zburau intre noi,
înainte şi înapoi.
Vârtejul lor putea fi aproape zărit,
şi deodată,
îmi lăsam un genunchi,
iar cotul mi-infigeam în pământ,
numai ca să privesc iarba-nclinată
de caderea vreunui cuvânt,
ca pe sub laba unui leu alergând.
Cuvintele se roteau, se roteau între noi,
înainte şi înapoi,
şi cu cât te iubeam mai mult, cu atât
repetau, într-un vârtej aproape văzut,
structura materiei, de la-nceput.


Sentimental story

Then we met more often.
I stood at one side of the hour,
you at the other,
like two handles of an amphora.
Only the words flew between us,
back and forth.
You could almost see their swirling,
and suddenly,
I would lower a knee,
and touch my elbow to the ground
to look at the grass, bent
by the falling of some word,
as though by the paw of a lion in flight.
The words spun between us,
back and forth,
and the more I loved you, the more
they continued, this whirl almost seen,
the structure of matter, the beginnings of things.
(N. Stanescu)

words you can..feel

I would like to make a committment to you from the beginning ..

What you can read here is just simple things, ordinary could say, only one feature sets them apart somehow..for me, of course..

There are only things, I mean words, which I thoroughly believe in.. which I could feel from the heart.. It's only quite recently that I became aware of the power of these words..

I ll give an example..the most well spread..
think of the the times people say 'I love you"..I remembered that I should speak only in my behalf here..

So, the times I said "I love you" to somebody..there were a couple of times I said it..just like asking for some more water, please.. or whatever..in fact because those guys were funny, good looking, smart or just because they were caring and offered me their affection.. that is..because they fulfilled a need of mine.. and because I heard it everywere around me, it 's so natural to say to your partner 'I love you"..
I simply didn't think it could be more of it.. just say it, sounds good, make him feel great and in turn he returns the favour..what could be more to add?

The most important thing is that regarding 'my need'..
In fact, this love had nothing to do with my partner.. believe it or not, it has been a while for me to realise this 'selfish' approach of love.

But I went further from the topic of today.. Going back to words..

What a great great difference to those few times I could actually feel the other as 'another me' ..and just being glad for everything good which happened to him, regardless of the effect that it could have on me.. that is putting the other on the same position with myself.. and really taking part of his emotions..like they were mine..forgeting about 'my needs'..about selfishness..about conventions, principles and society..

This is nothing new, almost every book or movie on this topic would describe it even better than me.. I heard it before many times myself.. But what a change...what a feeling when they turned from simple words.. to organic sensations !

It s about this kind of words I want to share with you on this blog.. As I believe that humans are connected through emotions more than anything else...
Showing emotions and receiving feedback on them as well as being honest and open to the others is my attempt to improve the world ( a tiny tiny part of it) and... my way of discovering and improving myself.. becoming aware of the limits..trying to push them further..further until reaching the end of the' world' .. my world..

Where is the end and what does it look like?
that's another talk..or monolog? hope not..