so challenging a job!

I had a very interesting talk with my mate last days..about having kids, breeding them to maturity and letting them go after their own dreams..(and returning to my previous post's theme) not being instinctively selfish to expect them to be by your side after their retirement or when starting to feel alone..
I see it a lot around me.. parents who emotionally blackmail their children to do what make the parents feel good..leading the kind of life these parents would have wished to live themselves and shifting their unfulfilled dreams to their children.. and that way putting a lot of stress on these kids..who are good kids by vast majority..and don't want to disappoint their parents..but in the same time these children are not happy, which is also the ultimate goal of the parents for them ..Paradoxically!
And it became clear to me..even if I have no idea of how it is to be a parent.. that this "job" is actually a very very difficult one..If not the most difficult..
You can not quit either..Life time engagement sounds pretty scary to me!

For women (most of them) the desire of giving birth is more an instinct than a cold blood made decision..As there are so many hard parts of being a parent..in the way I started to look at the matter..So, let me outline some thoughts:

You (either parent) decide to put a break to your activity, spend all your (free) time and money to raise him and put him no 1 on your to-do list..of course in this time you could have spent that time and money for yourself.but you had to acomplish this..for your instinct, social pressure, or any other reason..so you kind of sacrifice yourself for the wellness of your kids..even if that doesn't seem like a burden..
Meantime,you expect something in return..you expect that they would pay back the affection and 'investment' you made for them..
If this happens, you consider yourself a lucky parent..But there are not so many cases in which what you as a parent see as good for the child, he/she would feel the same..If it's not, than your kid could become somewhat frustrated..Not necessary developing a serious problem out of this but anyway..
If the child is more 'rebel' and choose to live his own way, you consider it lack of gratitude...As you want him beside you when you're old, or you want him to get married to 'that' girl not the other, you want him to have a bigger house or a better payed job. And it could be a problem if those are not the things which makes him happy..You may start to argue, to try to convince him your way of looking at life is better..
It follows that you expect the child you raised to follow your path.. quite selfish of you, isn't it?
Of course I don't agree he should take drugs as it's his only way of being happy.
I talk about those 'normal' cases we all see around us.

So, coming back..I find it so hard to make sacrifices without expecting anything in return..not even from your own child..Being a good parent might imply being able to breed your child without expecting him to do anything else than finding his own way of being happy....and meanwhile, finding other reasons to live for and making yourself useful to the society who might need you more than your child..
As you have taught him to fly away, he wants to explore the world by his own..That's not a disaster actually..You can say it as it sounds reasonable but it's hard not to feel a pain deep inside..
Life doesn't end when the child goes away..That should really not be the reason for someone to have kids.. I have a feeling it's much more difficult to put that in practice :)

I have to confess..after that talk, I questioned almost involuntarily
"So, why should I go through all that nuisance if in the end I am still alone? What if I make all those sacrifices for them and they turn out to be the opposite of what I wished ? and I would suffer for their misfortune or feel worried about their future? I would of course be happy for assisting their first steps, first words or when clapping my hands in the first row at their PhD investment, let's give an example.. But that's not inclining the balance in favor of having kids".

I found no other answer on the spot beside...." I could not fight the instinct".
Beside that, suffering is everywhere in nature..
Maybe what would make a difference would be to learn how to approach it.